Something for me to brood over
Bruce fucking SpringsteenI am so unbelievably bored that just getting the chance to write about it excites me. I have no fucking friends and I just want to curl up and hide in a hole somewhere. Make that an air-conditioned hole…
And I’ve said this before, but I guess I thought things would be more exciting now that I’m 20 and living in a new city, but it’s the same post-high school “what’s next?” bullshit. People my age just want to drink or go to clubs. Any decent people most likely already have friends they’ve known since fucking 3rd grade and being in that type of situation would make me get that feeling I always had growing up in foster homes and going to my first class at a brand new school. I’m so scared of being sized-up or laughed at that I’ve just become more paranoid than ever and I don’t want to go anywhere ever again.
I’m starting to think I have serious issues, and although I had seen a psychologist and a psychiatrist for 10 straight years of my life (on the tax-payer’s dime I must add), I think I need to go back. I don’t care anymore if I’m put on drugs again, I’d take anything if it would make me happy. Saying this as a straight edge kid might seem hypocritical but FUCK! I can’t keep hating myself this much. I’m turning into my mother.
PS
Justin lost his job at Great Arrow Graphics. He was a screen printer. 
Ash, I love you. I’m sorry you’re having a rough time.
And I guess I can see how taking meds would be going against all those straight edge beliefs…but honestly, happiness is maybe just a little more important. I’m not saying you need drugs Ash, but if you go to see someone and that’s what you both decide is best I think then so be it.
You’re basically a fantastic person, you shouldn’t hate yourself.
I hope you feel better.
- Heathee
Aw, I’m sorry to hear about that.
It’s probbly better to see a specialist but then again don;t get hooked on meds!
- Vicky
You know what? I’m gonna sound like a hypocrite too.
This is all I have to say: If your health (in this case, mental health) will be improved, fuck what anyone else says. I drink caffeine (sometimes) and I have no problem taking medicine, but I’m still straightedge. Again, fuck what people say about if you’re breaking edge. It’s your life.
- cass
Sorry to hear that your down, but if you think you need it, then use it. Go to a therapist and just talk it out, get some professional opinions. Anything to make you feel better is worth searching out.
- Tracy
Being straightedge should be a choice you make because of your opinions. It’s not a cult. Your opinions can (and should!) change over time. If you think you’ll get better by talking to a psychiatrist and being prescribed medication, you should try it. Your health — both physical and mental — are more important than the virtue of being straightedge.
- Christina
I agree with Christina completely. I have also been thinking about going to see a therapist again soon, but I can’t really do anything until I have health insurance again.
It’s alright, we can be hermits together. I’m trapsing off to cedar point today, when all I really want to do is sit on my ass inside all day haha. I love you.
Why did Justin lose his job? D:
- Brent
Some people might be misunderstanding me.
I have been straight edge since I was maybe 15-16. I drink coffee, I take Tylenol, Aleve, and Vitamins regularly. I take cold medicine when I have a cold, regardless of the content. I have no problem at all with taking Zoloft, Tegretol, Serequel or Wellbutrin or any other type of drug I’ve been put on at one point or another in my life, as long as they’re making me happy.
I was simply implying that it sounds hypocritical because a lot of the straight edge community are retarded hardline kids and they don’t believe in a lot of meds. So it was a concern for looking like a hypocrite in their eyes, not mine.
On that point, I’m gonna go make some fucking coffee!
- Ashley
I hope Justin finds another job soon. You don’t sound like the same person who said “I like to talk shit and I will bust on just about anyone.” I agree with you on drinking and clubbing, that’s why I steer clear of making new friends, I’m in the middle of a college town. All of my close friends aren’t nearby and I’m alone as well. The internet is a wonderful place. If prescription meds will help, I say take them, then in the process work on what’s making you unhappy and slowly coming off the meds.
- Sheena
Sorry to hear about Justin losing his job, that really sucks. But he sounds super talented so I’m sure he’ll find something soon. As for taking meds, you gotta do what you gotta do. If it’ll make you happy then that’s all that should matter.
And yeah, kids suck! I don’t hang out with a lot of people my age because it seems like the only thing that matters to them is drinking and partying. Not worth it to me, too many problems with drinking and drugs in my family.
- Sam
If seeing a psychiatrist will make you feel better and even take pill to make you happy then that it your choice. I saw counselors and psychiatrists my three years in middle school and for some reason it made me go on. I even got depression pills which made me happy for a time. Nothing wrong with it and if you are not feeling yourself then why not. I’m sure if I moved to a new city and had no friends I’d probably feel like crawling into a hole myself. You are not a hypocrite, it’s your life and if it will help you then it is your choice.
- GG
I’m all for mental health, and being in harmony with your body. Most of the times people decide to be edge because it makes them more aware and at peace with their body. If being edge doesn’t help you.. I wonder if drugs will, but you’re the only one who knows. Maybe what you should do is spend some time with people who can help you with ‘zenlike’ stuff as looking ‘in’ yourself to find your own power to keep yourself balanced. It may look farfetched but if you really don’t want drugs then that might be the option.
- Vief
i have friends and that just seems to make no difference. they go everywhere and dont ask me to go, which is sad, and i surely dont ask…yet people wonder why im always with my bf. THATS WHY.
id hang w/ ya if we lived near each other :)
- Jhaye
Hi ashley,
i disagree about taking meds but if it makes you feel better and you are okay with that, take them.
take a look at my blog :S i don’t know why but i can’t upload files . please check it because i don’t understand what’s going on. :(
i hope you feel better
;)
- Dannie
Heya darling! Sorry I haven’t commented you in sooo long, but I’m finally back up in running after a couple weeks of hiatus..
I hope Justin finds a new job soon! And I hope you become happy.. you really shouldn’t care what other people think.. seriously.. FUCKTHEM. Go out and have fun?! Thats what people like.. outgoing people who don’t give a shit about what others think.. as long as your having a good time it shouldn’t matter x) Thats what I do, haha.
- Natasha
Yeah, I have no friends either…i moved down to Florida from Michigan for my stupid ex-boyfriend.
I hope you feel better.
- Crystal
hey ashley
- tabi
hey ashley
sorry i haven’t updated in 2 months. I feel horrible about it. we had constructiion on our house and haven’t been living at home, and no internet connection. But when I get a chance I will update
Hope you feel better
- tabii
I think it is SO cool that you write your web address on the money you get. It’s a good way to get people to visit your site.
- Katlyn