How to Become a Vampire
I have observed the public’s interest in vampires growing rapidly in the past year, quite possibly due to the Twilight books and movie(s). I can’t give too much credit to Twilight though, because Anne Rice had her vampire thing going on long ago, and we can’t forget about The Lost Boys, Salem’s Lot, True Blood, or even Buffy. There is a certain appeal to the vampire lifestyle – the image, power, and history. This has lead to many people attempting to actually be vampires. I will not laugh at this idea, because I know it is in fact possible. I will share with you the most common means of actually turning into a vampire. I do not mean a “sanguivore”, I mean a true vamp. I can not reveal my source, but I will say that it runs deep and is completely reliable, although I mustn’t speak further of this. Forget what you thought you knew from TV, this is real and requires complete faith and devotion. You must follow the instructions to the letter if you wish to become a true, traditional vampire. I have listed both modern and archaic methods:
- Drink the Vampirism Elixir – an ancient cocktail of red wine, drops of blood from three virgins (they need not be killed), and an entire bottle of barbiturates such as Seconal or Nembutal.
- Fill one’s bath with warm water and a bit of Vampire Dust (Thyme and Sage). While relaxing in the specialized water, deeply slice your wrists with a razor or scalpel and hold them beneath the surface until your mortal blood is drained and you awake replenished with vampire essence.
- Whilst chanting this vampirical adage: “Stultior stulto fuisti, qui tabellis crederes!“, hurl yourself off a very high peak onto the rocks below.
- During the darkest of dark nights (one with no visible stars), go rollerblading down the Interstate highway wearing (this is important) non-reflective black clothing.
- Find a solid silver dagger or utensil (I recommend a fork or butter-knife) and plunge it into the nearest pernicious energy fountain (commonly called an electrical socket) to receive induction into the vampire realm.
- Discover a well-hidden spot with active train tracks. Go to this spot dressed in your finest clothing and jewelry in preparation for the rapture (you will want to look beautiful). When night falls, adopt the ceremonial pose of the vampire by laying across the tracks on your back and wait silent and motionless for the next train to pass over you.
June 23rd, 2009 at 1:02 am
Hahaha at first while reading this, I thought to myself “oh god, she can’t be serious?” But after I read the second way to become a vampire I realized the sarcasm in the post. Let’s just hope other readers out there see it too! Or maybe, if someone is actually idiotic enough to attempt any of this, for their sake, they should just follow through..? Haha ah that’s terrible to say. This post was definitely entertaining! I hate this whole Twilight craze. Its ridiculous. I will admit while I was in elementary school I had read Anne Rices novels, but I quickly grew out of it. Twilight just creeps me out…
- Cher
June 23rd, 2009 at 9:49 am
Well now, that I know the said above.. I’m totes going to become a vampire ;p
For lack of better words, Twilight isn’t.. too bad. The part that really is kind of creepy is the way the werewolves can.. ahem.. have there soulmates be younger as them? And watch them grow..? I don’t.. somewhere in that the words wrong are printed before my eyes, haha.
and I finally got wordpress installed. YAY. Oh and follow me on twitter.. votresoleil
- Natasha
June 23rd, 2009 at 12:31 pm
Aren’t there enough blood-sucking, pallid-skinned, night-loving drones in the world?
Although, you did forget a good method of bringing out your inner vampire: have some friends help bury you in a coffin exactly 6 feet deep… After about a week, you will be properly “aged”, like good cheese.
- Midd13M4n
June 23rd, 2009 at 4:42 pm
I really wish Twilight didn’t exist, because then vampires wouldn’t have gotten so lame. But I actually love vampires–EXCLUDING TWILIGHT WHICH IS UTTER CRAP!!! (I did a really reeeally long rant about that on my blog at some point) The Anne Rice novels are good/addictive, Buffy is INCREDIBLE, True Blood is great, and come on–Dracula is just a fantastic book, vampires or no vampires.
That being said, I am just as infuriated as you are by the gothy tween types who give legit vampire fiction a bad, lame lame lame name. Also they’re just annoying and dumb. So is like all the low-rent YA fiction that is coming out IN DROVES about vampires. Ugh.
But vampires are definitely the sexiest monster…
- Elizabeth
June 23rd, 2009 at 9:36 pm
Pretty good post. I just stumbled upon your blog and wanted to say
that I’ve really liked reading your posts. Anyway
I’ll be subscribing to your blog and I hope you post again soon!
- Jenny
June 23rd, 2009 at 11:00 pm
*snickers*
“pernicious energy fountain”
I love it.
- Angie
June 25th, 2009 at 8:46 am
Lmao! That’s awesome I was actually intrigued then I got to the bottom. Gullible is mee! I’m actually sick of the Twilight saga that’s going on. I’m a big vampire lover and surely vampires do NOT
1. Eat animals if they did they would rot/decay
2. They CANNOT go into the SUNLIGHT! Nor do they shine like diamonds!!
3. A guy living THAT long and still hasn’t got laid? Cmon people
Ok I’m done :D
- Aimee
June 25th, 2009 at 5:07 pm
The virgins need not be killed? Splendid. It’s hard enough to find virgins, now I’ll get more use out of them. Thanks for the tip!
- Garg
June 25th, 2009 at 8:29 pm
Loved your latest post, by the way.
- Mike
July 4th, 2009 at 8:07 pm
Has anyone actually tried the first one? If so, tell me your results…
- Drew
July 6th, 2009 at 11:18 pm
You’re an idiot. That will just kill you. Don’t listen to this person.
- A real vampire
July 8th, 2009 at 10:32 pm
i have 7 words for your usage of a vampire: this.blog.is.a.piece.of.crap.
- lady ga ga
July 9th, 2009 at 7:16 pm
DON’T become a vampire it may seem all fun cause of stupid twilight but it will ruin u life plz don’t throw it away like I did I did do the one about the train it’s hard being a …
Some people r wannabes don’t lisen to them most of the people here r serious but the people at my school piss me off!!!
for all the new …….. Just email me if u need help
- Sora
August 11th, 2009 at 3:33 pm
Fuck you
- Kitty
August 11th, 2009 at 3:34 pm
Fuck you
- Kitty
August 15th, 2009 at 3:04 am
i hate twilight and all the rest of the stuff that goes with it. i am a total believer in vampires though. i also love anime vampires! XD anyways all of the suggestions at the top of the page is nothing but a bunch of crap.
- Name himeko
December 16th, 2009 at 9:21 pm
- Scarlett
January 3rd, 2010 at 10:18 pm
watch anime beter than reading this crap
- kissa
February 1st, 2010 at 6:30 pm
- Mzzy !