One-fourth of my life is over.
Beulah - Popular Mechanics for LoversI can’t believe that I’m 22 years old now. I’ve been in such a fragile emotional state for god knows how long… and it’s gotten worse lately. I tear up when I hear that Youth Group cover of “Forever Young” and I just adopt this hopeless attitude towards life and aging. I don’t know if the song is actually about what I think it is, it may even be about the Cold War, but the lyrics are rather tragic either way.
At times I am excited for the future, having a family and everything, but then I think of my parents and relatives dying, myself getting old and not being happy with life or wishing I had done more with my time here. I think of how when I’m gone, and my children and grandchildren are gone as well, no one will remember me. I won’t even exist in someone’s memory. I’ll just be a name or face on a family tree perhaps, but the reality is that this blog entry will outlive me. It’s hard to cope with that fact when you actually think about it instead of pushing it out of your mind or self-medicating.
When I see really old people, 90-something and rotting away somewhere, I think what a lonely end it must be. They were once me or you, with dreams and plans, but now they’re reduced to waiting for death. They’re seen most of the people they know die, and they realize they’re likely next. To me, it seems getting old is an unbearable aspect of living. I never want to look into the mirror and not recognize myself. Yes, to lose your youth is truly a very cruel thing.
December 14th, 2008 at 10:57 pm
And while this blog entry could very well outlive you, it also allows you to leave a legacy behind. People could very well stumble across your blog in 50 years and think, “God, that 72-year old lady was one rad bitch!”
- Christina
December 15th, 2008 at 1:13 am
haha, thanks for that.
- Ashley
December 15th, 2008 at 2:01 am
who cares about legacies? other people? other people don’t matter. they’re meaningless just like you and me. through the concept of priority, it’s own value is diminished, and by that tendency to categorize things and denote their importance, we reinforce the relativity of our beliefs and our universal meaninglessness. that is why death always overcomes us.
- justin
December 15th, 2008 at 9:13 pm
You should be positive! Live in the moment. You’re still very young and you have a long time before you get old. You’re a pretty cool chick. I do agree with you though, it’s a scary to thing to think about.
Justin has such a negative view on life. Damn.
- David
December 15th, 2008 at 10:38 pm
Wow..you just depressed me. I mean, 22 isn’t older..I am older than you and you just made me feel ancient LOL…
- Stephanie
December 16th, 2008 at 2:32 pm
You’re still young. I had a friend who felt like that at freaking fifteen. She’s like “Omg my life is half over !” I don’t understand why so many people feel life ends at 30.. In my mind, life is only half over at 50. The chances of living until you’re 100 these days are pretty slim, but feeling like you’re life is almost over at such a young age, like 22, just seems silly.
Live everyday like it was your last.. But don’t expect it to be.
- Justin
December 17th, 2008 at 3:19 am
Birthday’s stress me out. Turning 20 freaked me out because I was no longer a “teen”. It’s just weird.
But worrying doesn’t help so please do as I say and definitely NOT as I do.
- Heather
December 18th, 2008 at 1:24 pm
Dropping by to return comments! Hope all is well!! Oh and Happy Belated Birthday!!
- Christina
December 21st, 2008 at 8:41 pm
If I was you I would stop thinking about how you are getting older because you are just wasting time where you could be having fun. You’re just going to make yourself get older faster if you sit there feeling sorry for yourself. Now is the time to get out there and have some fun. I think this year has been my most fun year yet and I’m 23.
- Deanna
December 23rd, 2008 at 1:10 am
i’m trying not to be a dick, but there’s no way around it… deanna, you’re fucking 23. don’t tell other people how to live their lives. consider that some people don’t have an obnoxious, outgoing personality. sometimes being an individual that is always immersed in thought means you are doomed to pessimism and hopelessness.
feeling sorry for oneself and hating everything and everyone around you are completely different things, and if i’m not mistaken, the realization of meaninglessness is what has caused that.
again, stop telling other people how to live their lives. if you have no worthwhile advice to give, then just leave more irrelevant filler like everyone else. your unfounded pretentiousness is irritating.
- justin