Shikari - Robot Wars

I returned to Buffalo from visiting my mom in PA on January 17th. Justin came for 5 days, but I was there about a week and a half prior. When I was riding the (disgusting) Greyhound bus there, I was looking out the window and as the landscape gradually got hillier, I smiled to myself. My ears popped as we drove further south in Pennsylvania because I was no longer used to the high elevation; Western New York being flat and all. I started seeing Eastern Orthodox churches with their beautiful gold domes, restaurants advertising homemade pierogies, and row after row of townhouses. I remember when my mother moved to this small town just below the Poconos. I hated it and moved after barely 2 years (when I was 18). Going back was refreshing though, despite the slow drawl of the area and lack of exciting culture – it was nice to be back in my home state, even if I would have preferred the Lehigh Valley or Philadelphia.

When I got back in Buffalo, it was… the same. It seems my problems were waiting for me at the door. I can’t cope with how complicated things have become with my boyfriend and I – but I don’t know how to fix things and I’m sick of being the one to change. I missed my mom and started feeling like a lonely, boring person again. My brother kindly upgraded my computer when I was at my mom’s, making it truly gamer-worthy and it is now solid awesomeness. I’ve been playing Assassin’s Creed, which is probably over a year old by now, but I don’t play video games that often. The first day of Spring semester was today, but I didn’t go. That sounds crazy, but I’ve been feeling sick and just didn’t feel like it. Justin screwed up his enrollment by never dealing with the financial aid office and now he still can’t register for classes. We don’t even know if he’ll be able to attend this semester yet. It depends on if he can get a loan processed in time.

Christmas has been over for a long time now, but our tree is still up. I think Mr. Bojangles will miss it when it’s taken down. He usually naps underneath, on the skirt.

This is such a melancholy post, so I’ll try to be more exciting next time. I would like to keep things rolling on this site, so in honor of that wish I put up a new layout featuring An Albatross. They make me happy.

I’m sure no one will be hanging around this old site on Xmas, but Happy Holidays to all of you. Justin spent all day with his family, and although I was invited as usual, I didn’t go. I feel awkward going to holiday celebrations with strangers. The gift-giving is weird too, because I don’t have anything for them and I never want them to feel uncomfortable like they should have gotten me something. You know how it goes.

Justin got me a new iPod Classic for Christmas and something else I haven’t opened yet (I’m waiting until he gets back within the hour). I just put on the Invisible Shield to protect it, so now I can’t use it until it has set for like 24 hours. I’m excited to put stuff on it, but I refused to use it until the shield was on, I know how easily the back scratches. I had a Nano from a couple Christmases ago, and I always wanted a classic to fit my entire mp3 library on it, so now I can! It would be cool to see an iPod with the capacity of the Classic (120 gb) but with new features like a touch screen or the accelerometer. Maybe Apple will realize that people don’t need so much empty room by the click wheel, then they can make the screen bigger. Anyway, despite my cliche anti-applestablishment attitude, I’m not scared to say I love this cute little thing. This being a hard drive with an lcd screen on it basically, haha!

I will update later with all the stuff I got Justin. Peace!

Beulah - Popular Mechanics for Lovers

I can’t believe that I’m 22 years old now. I’ve been in such a fragile emotional state for god knows how long… and it’s gotten worse lately. I tear up when I hear that Youth Group cover of “Forever Young” and I just adopt this hopeless attitude towards life and aging. I don’t know if the song is actually about what I think it is, it may even be about the Cold War, but the lyrics are rather tragic either way.

At times I am excited for the future, having a family and everything, but then I think of my parents and relatives dying, myself getting old and not being happy with life or wishing I had done more with my time here. I think of how when I’m gone, and my children and grandchildren are gone as well, no one will remember me. I won’t even exist in someone’s memory. I’ll just be a name or face on a family tree perhaps, but the reality is that this blog entry will outlive me. It’s hard to cope with that fact when you actually think about it instead of pushing it out of your mind or self-medicating.

When I see really old people, 90-something and rotting away somewhere, I think what a lonely end it must be. They were once me or you, with dreams and plans, but now they’re reduced to waiting for death. They’re seen most of the people they know die, and they realize they’re likely next. To me, it seems getting old is an unbearable aspect of living. I never want to look into the mirror and not recognize myself. Yes, to lose your youth is truly a very cruel thing.

The Smiths - William, It Was Really Nothing

Saturday is my 22nd birthday, yikes. Unfortunately, Justin is working that night. It’d be nice to know someone in Buffalo who actually gave a shit besides my boyfriend, ugh.

Since it’s the end of the semester there were all these papers to do, and there will still be some in the near future, which is partially why I suck with updating. I actually have stuff I’d like to write about, but I don’t get around to actually typing it all.

I’ve been depressed about my family life lately. I’m supposed to go down to PA to visit my mom right before Christmas, but I’m not even excited anymore. I wish I had a car. The bus ticket is outrageous. Greyhound and Trailways buses raised their prices, so now it’s almost as much as taking Amtrak. That’s crazy…

Justin’s sister stayed over for a couple nights right after Thanksgiving. We all went to the mall, but Justin had to leave so it ended up being just me and her. She’s 16, and talking with her really made me realize how superficial and money-obsessed teenagers are these days. I mean, I remember wanting brand name clothes… but she was 15 and got a $300 dress from bebe just for homecoming in the 9th grade. What the hell does a freshman need a great dress for homecoming for? She laughs at stores like Charlotte Russe, Old Navy, Wet Seal or Forever 21 because they’re so cheap. I told her once she pays for her own things, she’d change her mind really quick. When I was in middle school and high school, I can’t recall girls carrying expensive handbags around. Now I see 15 year olds with Louis Vuitton. To me, even Coach is too expensive for a 9th-10th grader! Unless your daddy is a surgeon or lawyer or something… but these middle-class girls are asking their parents for things that are like half a pay check.

I don’t know. I feel out of touch anymore.