Like Johnny Cupcakes… yeah.

John confuses me. I love him, I even miss him sometimes. After all the shit we put each other through. I really don’t know what will be happening between us. I wish none of this ever happened.

Because that’s what I feel has happened. I mean, being edge used to be a passion almost. It was like a badge of honor, something I was proud of. Now, it feels so played and misunderstood. I don’t like the idea that people judge me because I choose not to drink and take drugs. I don’t want people making up their mind about me, based on the fact that I’m sXe. That’s stupid. I hate it.

I feel almost, that I’ve outgrown straight edge. Right now, I don’t feel I even need the label. No matter what I call my lifestyle, I will always be drug-free for my own reasons. With or without edge, I am still Ashley. Still cooler than half the fucking lameass girls in highschool.

I’m sick of people asking if I do this or that and then I have to launch into the way I feel about the whole subject. For once I’d rather just answer “no”. It isn’t people’s job to understand me. When I tell people about edge, they think they have me figured out. Like I’m that simple to read, just because I make smarter choices than they ever did when they were my age.

I hate the little arguments I get into with other edge kids. Some kids are so hardcore into their lifestyle, they won’t take tylenol. Look asshole, if I have a splitting headache, I am TAKING tylenol. Shit, even the Amish take tylenol. My ex boyfriend was edge, now he’s off probation and drinking and doing all the stupid shit his friends do. We once got into a fight over me taking sleeping pills. According to him, I wasn’t “edge” because of that. What the fuck? I have some type of sleeping disorder. I go to bed at 6 every morning… I exhaust myself yet I’m not tired. Then there’s the food issue… I’m vegetarian, but if some vegan straight edge kid starts shit because I like milk in my fruity pebbles every morning… I’m kicking ass.

I don’t like the idea that others feel the need to analyze me or even “keep me in line” because of sXe. I feel like hey, maybe I shouldn’t use the whole label all together. I don’t have to be straight edge to be healthy and not do things that are bad for my body. I’m just so sick of having to justify what I do or don’t do. It is my choice, it is my decision to make. My body, my mind, my life… maybe this sounds like a TRUTH commercial, heh heh. But I’m serious. I don’t know. I don’t know what to think anymore…

The assholes on Xbox live piss me off. I mean seriously, why do people just love starting shit? How are yo’ momma jokes even relevant to the damn game? Stupid scumbags… they need to get off the mic.

I need to buy glue shit for my scrapbooking project, I guess I could get it at kmart or something? Gah, I donno. I’m new to the martha stewart thing.

Tonight I’ll probably go over to metalhead’s place. I should go earlier than I usually do before it gets crazy. Sometimes I just don’t like being around a crapload of people… especially his friends. They are so retarded, ugh. I’ll drag Joe along… he wants to get drunk anyway.

I need to add more stuff to my site. I’m working on the poetry sub-site. x.pink-pistol.net, I need to go through my closet and find some old journals to scour for less-than-mediocre poetry I have written, haha. Oh well, later’ kids.

<333

The cooler my playlist gets, the lamer my celebrity pin-ups become. I apologize for having such a cliche over-rated likeness for Ashton Kutcher.

I just want to fuck this man.

Hey. At least I don’t own one of those “i love ashton” hats they sell in Claire’s. Barf.